Alas

So, I was reminiscing through my old online journal and reading other friends blogs , and I started getting incredibly sad and nostalgic. I tried to update said old online journal, however, I have long since forgotten the password... alas. Well, here starts a new era of online soul searching. I am going to be completly honest this time, because I am not doing this for other people to read and to judge me. That was the problem with diaryland, I always knew that my friends were reading it, so I tried to make my life seem cooler than it actually was or purposely omit key things because I was embarrassed/ashamed. But this, this will be the real me. So, who am I? I am a 22 year old recent college graduate who is moving to L.A. in one month to pursue her lifelong dream of acting which she is not so sure is her dream anymore. That's the first time I've commited that thought to writing, that I might not want to act anymore. Here's the thing: I've been acting since I was 10 and I was absolutely passionate about it. But now, I don't get that same thrill after a show. I love to act, but I'm not feeling it like I used to, it's not my life. Also, I've recently started doing films and have discovered I am quite bad at it. It appears that stage acting and film acting are two entirely different things and now the girl that is so self assured in her acting talents is suddenly scared. What if I really am bad? But that's not why I am unsure of if acting is for me, it's more than fear. I'm just so confused as to what I am passionate about nowadays. And if it's not theatre, why the hell do I have a degree in Theatre Arts? What can I do if it's not acting? So, I'm battling these feelings and trying to lose the 20 pounds that I've gained this year that I attribute to finding the love of my life. His name is Derek. I live in his house, but I'm leaving him next month. We're staying together and I'm hoping that eventually he will move out there to be with me. I'm afraid that I'm ruining our relationship by moving away, but I'm even more afraid of staying. If I stayed, I would never follow the "what if" that lies in L.A. Yeah, more than likely I will come back a broken women and get a job in corporate America where I will slave away for the rest of my days, but at least I tried. I can't try in Tucson. Blah, Tucson. I am tired of the desert. In the past month, 2 of my roomates have been stung by scorpions in their bedrooms. That is a statistic of 50 percent of one household being stung by scorpions within one month. That is not a reassuring statistic. I am not happy about it at all. Well, that is enough rambling for now. I feel better.