How I started my day.

So, I get a call last night from my friend Nicole* who leaves a message that is rather long and ends with "By the way, I'm going to need you to pee in a cup for me tomorrow. Thanks, bye!". Now, this really doesn't come as a surprise to me because my friend is crazy. No, really, she is. One time last year, she was going through surgery in Phoenix and I went with her so I could drive her home. Well, they gave her valium to take the night before so that she wouldn't be in too much pain afterwards. She decides that the best plan of action is to eat a ton of food, smoke cigars, get drunk off cheap wine, then take the valium with a combination of some somas that we had leftover from Mexico (another amusing story). Needless to say, she was absolutely loopy after taking that valium and it was one of the funniest nights of my life. So, yeah, she's crazy, and she's recently started smoking a lot of pot. I don't smoke the pot, having gotten over my drug phase sometime junior year, and I believe I am the only female friend she has that is drugfree. So, this call was unexpected, but not really. It turns out she just discovered that she would be needing to take a piss test early this morning. I get up super early this morning, because her appointment is at 8:30. She picks me up and we go to Fry's. She has a tupperware container in her purse, and a plastic baggy to tape to her leg. We go into the bathroom. She slips the container under the stalls to me. I sit, tupperware between legs, waiting. And then, I just can't go. I freeze up, it's just too much for me! After awhile, we decide to go to the nerby Starbuck's and I down a grande ice coffeee in 10.5 seconds. Then, she decides that instead of a huge production, I can just go into the bathroom before her and hide the container behind the toilet, as the clinic's office is very relaxed and won't be expecting this. So, we get to this nice office and I am freezing and don't have to pee at all. But, I say that I do and I go into the bathroom, again with the cup just waiting to collect my specimen and I'm concentrating so hard on trying to pee and I just can't and the whole time I can hear the nurse with Nicole in the next room and I'm thinking about how much I will fail my friend if I don't produce a cup of pee, and I hear the doctor come in and say "Do you want to empty your bladder now?" and the nurse says "Her friend is still in there" and the doctor says "Still?' and Nicole says "It's that time of the month" and I know the gig is up so I just quit trying, put the cup back in my purse, and leave the bathroom defeated. Well, and here's the exciting conclusion, it turns out that they didn't end up giving her a drug test. I don't know if they forgot, or if they never needed one, but they just never asked her for a cup of pee. So, in the long run, I guess it's pretty great that I couldn't pee this morning because if I had come through, Nicole would have had a baggy full of pee and nothing to do with it! So, that was my crazy morning. I now know that I cannot pee under pressure, and I think that's a pretty important lesson to have learned, in the scheme of things.
*names have been changed to protect the innoncent.