I'm so emo.

I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional alone in the house and crying. I talked to Derek for possibly the last time ever tonight. He said that he's only thought of me as a friend for quite a few months now, but he was trying to force himself to be with me because he wanted to, he just wasn't feeling it, and that if he stayed with me it would just be worse in the long run. I cancelled my plane ticket back. It's too late to get an absentee ballot so I'm fucked, although Arizona is pretty much decided anyway. I just feel so lost. I had so much invested into him, my whole future and I don't want to go on without him. I don't want to lose everything we had. I don't want to not be involved in his life. Where do I go from here? How do I continue on with my life knowing that I met someone that was perfect for me and he couldn't love me. God, I want to get married and I want to have a loving family but how can I expect anyone to stay with me for 40 years when Derek, the most perfect boyfriend I've ever had, wouldn't even stay with me for 1 and a half? I don't want to have to get to know somebody else and go through the laborious process of getting to learn all of there idiosyncracies and letting them learn mine. We used to shower together, just shower. It wasn't sexual, it was just washing and laughing and honest. It was just us, happy together. Just us.