That's it.

I'm through with love. Absolutely, completly, utterly through with it. It can go suck a big fatty. I'm tired of opening myself up and sharing everything with someone just so they can abandon you without any remorse as if you were a moldy wrapper to a long-ago-eaten muffin. Fuck it. As you might have guessed, Derek broke up with me. I go through phases where I'm somewhat ok, even chipper, then I just snap and cry so hard that I can't breathe. He did it over the phone yesterday. I'm going to be out there in one week and he just couldn't wait to tell me in person, he had to do it over the phone. He says he hasn't met anyone else, and I'm inclined to believe him, although everyone tells me I shouldn't. The fucked up thing is that I'm still going out there next week and staying with him. How am I supposed to see him and not hold him? How am I supposed to go on knowing that I'll never kiss him again and that I won't spend the rest of my life with him? He says that he's miserable doing the long distance relationship, and I am too, but I know that we'll be together again eventually and I would rather hold on to the best thing that's ever happened to me for a few rough months than lose it forever. But I guess he'd be happier without me. I feel so stupid. While I was planning our wedding in my head, he was planning how to tell me he doesn't love me, how to tell me it was all a lie, how to break my heart. And somehow it's all my fault. If I'd stayed in Tucson, we'd still be together. But how can you ask someone to choose between 2 dreams? One being the perfect relationship, a beautiful wedding, and a loving family; the other, a lifelong dream of success in the entertainment industry. What was I supposed to do? I'm asking because I just don't know. Did I make the wrong choice?

*~*If the moon were full I'd be howling inside, it only hurts in matters of the heart*~* Tracey Chapman