truth paradox

I've never been closer or farther away from who I want to be. I speak of course in terms of life/employment/weight/hope/dreams/love.... in some I win, in an equal amount I fail.... This perfect balance of succeed and demise is draining my spirit. I don't know if I'm elated or miserable, so I'm constantly at a level of meh... somewhere inbetween and too indifferent to seek out one feeling or the other....
23 days until Hawaii (I was supposed to be -60 by now). 40 days until the move (I was supposed to be +2000 by now). Oh well. Can't stop time, can't worry about what I did or didn't do because it's too late now. Just gotta hope everything works out like it should. Although, I suppose hope is reserved for those who have real feelings.