Happy Halloweenie!

And happy daylight savings time! Hooray! I get to sleep in an hour later, which is great because I traded shifts with Lenka and now have to work at 8am as opposed to 5pm. That also means I get to go out tomorrow night with Andy and the posse to West Hollywood where I am promised I will see hundreds of fabulously gay men in boas! Hooray!
Today was a good and bad Derek day. I cried more than I have in awhile, but then I put everything that reminds me of him away in a box, and that felt good. I'm accepting that it's over and trying really hard to push fantasies of reconciliation out of my mind. I know it's going to be a long time before I'm completly over the whole thing, but I feel a little better. I guess that's all I can really ask for. Well, goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. I will try to do the same!

What can I say?

Words cannot even express the hurt and pain and horror and utter anger that I am feeling at this moment. I found out today that Derek is back together with his ex-girlfriend and probably has been a while before he broke up with me officially. I just don't even know what to think/do. I feel so betrayed. He was my best friend and he lied to me. The part that hurts the most is that he is already back in a relationship, and with someone that he left for me. Someone that he was utterly unhappy with. What is he thinking? I want to call him and scream, I want to cry until there is nothing left of me and I no longer have to feel this pain. I want to pound my fists against a wall until it shatters and my body is as broken as my heart is. I want his heart to be broken, I want him to not be able to sleep or eat or even function as a normal human being. I want him to feel anything, not to be this evil manipulating man that he's turned out to be. I want everything he's said to me in the last fucking year and a half to not be a lie. It's so fucked up. After he broke up with her, she would still call and invite him out and try to be friendly and he would never understand why it upset me. Well, guess what? I had her pegged the whole time. I know women, and women are selfserving when it comes to men. She had an agenda the whole time, and I guess props must go out to her for putting her master plan into action. I hope she fucking breaks his heart because he would deserve it. I hope they get married and are absolutely miserable together in their pathetic lives in Tucson. I hope he comes crawling back to me someday and I can spit in his face. I guess kharmacially one might say I deserve this since I stole him from her in the first place. Fuck that, and fuck the both of them. I'm fucking through with all goddamned men and if one ever tries to hurt me again I will kick him squarly in the balls. I am shaking because I'm so livid. it's a good thing I'm not anywhere near Tucson because I would go to his house and rip it to shreds. I would break all of his cd's and burn his t-shirts in the backyard. I would crush his inhaler and flush all of his medication down the toilet. Then I would key his brand new fucking car and piss on it. Thou dost not know scorn like the wrath of a woman, for damn sure.

I'm so emo.

I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional alone in the house and crying. I talked to Derek for possibly the last time ever tonight. He said that he's only thought of me as a friend for quite a few months now, but he was trying to force himself to be with me because he wanted to, he just wasn't feeling it, and that if he stayed with me it would just be worse in the long run. I cancelled my plane ticket back. It's too late to get an absentee ballot so I'm fucked, although Arizona is pretty much decided anyway. I just feel so lost. I had so much invested into him, my whole future and I don't want to go on without him. I don't want to lose everything we had. I don't want to not be involved in his life. Where do I go from here? How do I continue on with my life knowing that I met someone that was perfect for me and he couldn't love me. God, I want to get married and I want to have a loving family but how can I expect anyone to stay with me for 40 years when Derek, the most perfect boyfriend I've ever had, wouldn't even stay with me for 1 and a half? I don't want to have to get to know somebody else and go through the laborious process of getting to learn all of there idiosyncracies and letting them learn mine. We used to shower together, just shower. It wasn't sexual, it was just washing and laughing and honest. It was just us, happy together. Just us.

That's it.

I'm through with love. Absolutely, completly, utterly through with it. It can go suck a big fatty. I'm tired of opening myself up and sharing everything with someone just so they can abandon you without any remorse as if you were a moldy wrapper to a long-ago-eaten muffin. Fuck it. As you might have guessed, Derek broke up with me. I go through phases where I'm somewhat ok, even chipper, then I just snap and cry so hard that I can't breathe. He did it over the phone yesterday. I'm going to be out there in one week and he just couldn't wait to tell me in person, he had to do it over the phone. He says he hasn't met anyone else, and I'm inclined to believe him, although everyone tells me I shouldn't. The fucked up thing is that I'm still going out there next week and staying with him. How am I supposed to see him and not hold him? How am I supposed to go on knowing that I'll never kiss him again and that I won't spend the rest of my life with him? He says that he's miserable doing the long distance relationship, and I am too, but I know that we'll be together again eventually and I would rather hold on to the best thing that's ever happened to me for a few rough months than lose it forever. But I guess he'd be happier without me. I feel so stupid. While I was planning our wedding in my head, he was planning how to tell me he doesn't love me, how to tell me it was all a lie, how to break my heart. And somehow it's all my fault. If I'd stayed in Tucson, we'd still be together. But how can you ask someone to choose between 2 dreams? One being the perfect relationship, a beautiful wedding, and a loving family; the other, a lifelong dream of success in the entertainment industry. What was I supposed to do? I'm asking because I just don't know. Did I make the wrong choice?

*~*If the moon were full I'd be howling inside, it only hurts in matters of the heart*~* Tracey Chapman